frustration

bitterness

disappointment

nothing is going my way recently. i've been unemployed for six months. six months, more than 250 resumes to more than 250 companies in more than 20 cities in over 4 countries. six months and a dozen rejection letters, four interviews, and no encouragement. i had four freelance jobs lined up for july, now i only have one and i'm not sure that one will come through either. my unemployed friends that have actually looked for work have found jobs. what makes me such a looser that i can't land one? i know i don't suck as a designer. shit, maybe i do. occassionally i'll write something here and people will respond to it, but that even seems few and far between.

this is the world of depression.

denial reigns supreme. most of the time i'm able to blame things on a souring economy, an edgy market. the field is saturated afterall and i'm not at the top of my lot.
other times it's just self deprecation. as it is tonight. the compounding issues causing the gears in my brain to start firing insults at my own abilities. insecurities abound. it must be something i'm doing wrong. it's all my fault. how could i suck so much?
then it makes its way into my being alone. the low self-esteem ruins my ability to meet or intrigue people of the opposite sex. that feeling of loneliness drives the esteem further down. the cycle spirals out of control and i find myself helpless.

i even tried returning to faith. dusting off my trust in a higher power to take care of my woes and gleen what afflicts me. even here, once again, i feel i have been ignored. driving me even further away.

what about eastern philosophy? surely i haven't amassed this much bad karma? come on. i'm a good person. i care deeply for all of my friends and i take care of others' needs over my own.

why do i feel so damn forsaken? why can i not seem to fall asleep before 4 am; and even then lying awake for quite a while trying to make my brain stop. stop thinking. stop feeling. just fucking stop.

now i post my frustration here. i open up the internal struggle to anyone who wants to read. now i face the concern of friends and family. it's nothing new. i've been here many times. "you should get help." "you should talk to someone."
i don't need to talk. i need a job.

i'll try and wake up in time to go sailing with friends in the morning. just another escape from the internal struggle. a few hours more of denial. and then back here, back to the empty email box. back to the over-qualified and under-qualified form letters bundled with the pizza coupons and "have you seen me?" direct mail pieces. back to my world. a world where nothing seems to go my way.

thanks... i feel much better now.