i think it started on tuesday, right after my interview. the chemicals in my brain stopped pumping the correct amount or something. triggered initially by a less than enthusiastic interviewer showing no emotion while looking at my portfolio. this week has been all downhill from there. just on an emotional level. i realized yesterday how deep it was actually getting, and now i know it's the worst it's been in a long while. i've shrugged some responsibilities and concerned friends.

my troughs of depression are tight downwardly spiraling states that tend to alienate me from friends. i haven't yet figured out how to stop them. the various prescriptions i've loaded up on in the past have only served to create new health problems due to side-effects, having little or no effect on the haze in my brain.

yes, i have a brain cloud.

it's really difficult for me to try and explain this to other people. imagine being really thirsty; across the table from you is a double-tall stoli vanilla and coke (or your favorite beverage of choice); between you and this beverage is a four inch thick piece of crystal-clear plexi-glass. you know that you want the beverage, you know that you need to hydrate yourself to avoid passing out, and you certainly know how to drink a beverage. but you don't know how to get to the beverage. you can take things to make you less thirsty, but they don't quench. what you really need is something that will remove that plexi-glass. the denial starts and you turn your back on the beverage and convince yourself that you are better off just accepting your thirst.

i decided to neglect a commitment i had made a couple of weeks ago. depression isn't a good excuse, but i just decided that i no longer felt it was going to work for me. i've upset a dear friend in the process and i feel a great amount of grief over this. i can only apologize for what happened and move on. i can't change it.

can you relate?