the kids are all right

i guess i felt that i was too good for retail. actually, i still feel that way i guess. but what has changed is that i now no longer feel different from the people i'm working with. for some reason, i had decided that they belonged there and i didn't. these are all intelligent, interesting people. i enjoy joking with them, and slowly, day by day, i come a little more out of this shell that i've created and make new friends.

i made up my mind that getting to like any of these people would be a mistake. it seemed dishonest. "hello, i'm going to pretend that i really like working here and i want to be your friend when actually i'm going to be out of here as soon as somebody offers me the slightest bit more money to do something different." i guess in a way i still am feeling some guilt about this. some of them joke about me coming back to work; as if i haven't yet been scared off. in truth, nothing would scare me away from what i am doing, but many things could entice me to leave. but today, i feel as though i am already accepted as a part of their family. suddenly things are more difficult. it won't be long before they are asking me to go hang out after work. what then? do i lead them all on, only to dump them all at once when my big break comes? what if my break never comes? what if this is as good as it gets? should i learn to love them and accept them as part of my future even though it doesn't feel right right now?

it's difficult to enjoy something and know at the same time that it's not right for you. is it best to enjoy it while you can and wish it well when it passes, or do you leave it before growing tired of it to avoid the disappointment of separation?