i walk into the cold wind, my arms wrapped tight around my torso, viewing the dismembered bodies and wreckage all around me. the smell of gas, oil, and decay fills the air. piles of twisted metal and plastic direct me along my path. i have to walk all the way to the back. she's there along the fence.





when we first met, i was the happiest i had ever been. i had decided to make a huge commitment, one i had never attempted before. i was a little unsure of myself, but i knew that it would work out between us. and she... she didn't want to be with anyone else.

she met my mom that first night we were together. we went together to pick mom up at the bus station in austin and drive her out to the ranch. mom was so proud of me, she felt that i had made a good choice, and i think she too fell in love with her. i spent some money on her right away, giving her a nice cd player.

she was great. always there when i needed her. she helped me move about 10 different times. i was always moving. she'd haul stuff around for me and never complained.

i remember the first time she got hurt. it was during a sudden and violent storm. i couldn't protect her and she was bruised. it was hard to see her hurt so. she would get banged up several more times while we were together. each time, it got a little easier to accept that she was no longer perfect.

we went through tough times together too. i couldn't always afford to feed her the best stuff. but i always made sure to give her the most expensive i could find every now and again, just to make sure she knew i still cared about her.

she's been all over the state with me. i think she really loved the ranch the most.

but today, i went to say goodbye. she's there... along the fence. like all the others that surround her. i had come to pay my last respects; to take whatever i could from her that she wouldn't need from here on out. her mangled skin reminded me of her death one week prior. pieces had been removed to inspect the damage to her skeleton. her seats, once bolted to her frame with pride, now were piled in a heap in the back, where she carried my belongings all those times. her fender sat inside where the rear seat used to lay. bolts, washers, nuts, and spacers are now collected in a zip-lock bag, just in case she should be resurrected from this hell.

the hardest part now is the guilt. guilt knowing that part of me wanted her to die. i never said it to her, but i thought about it. even at the end, i thought it was what i really wanted. now...

now i miss her. i miss what she meant to me. she was my first. i spent five years laboring to make her all mine. five years on a dowry to obtain a small piece of blue paper stating my rightful ownership. but that is all gone now. she's no longer with me.

so long, dear one. you will be replaced, but never forgotten. i loved you dearly.

mark