part five                            ...or go to the beginning....

the thin steel edge moved faster and cleaner than i ever imagined it would. it took no effort, no pressure. it was if i had moved a feather across my arm and the softness had unzipped a gash nearly an inch wide and two inches long. i looked as the blood began to pool inside the opening and quickly make it's way around my arm and onto the carpet below.

what have i done? it's not worth this.

she moved quickly. grabbing a nearby shirt and wrapping it around my wrist. we were both suddenly as sober as we had ever been. within seconds she was talking to the dispatcher. my eyes welled up with tears of shame. i didn't want to die, but neither did i want to face another day knowing i had done what i did. i was afraid. moments earlier i didn't want to see her face ever again. now... i was terrified to have her leave my side.

i watched out of the side of the ambulance, the red and blue lights casting blurs of reflection from the passing trees, hoping that she really was right behind us. i had a delirious conversation with the m.t. about stupidity and desparation. somehow, reason seemed my strongest suit at this point.

a cleaned wound revealed muscle and tendons. cross sections of vascular systems from illustrations in the anatomy coloring book. skin is stretched tight over muscle and pulls back like a rubberband when severed. i don't know if it's fair to say that it makes things look worse than they are. things were pretty bad as they stood. later i would be informed that i came 3mm from never playing my guitar again.

that didn't compare with the feeling of loss that i nearly cost my friends and family that night. the shame overwhelmed me. i lied to friends and co-workers about my accident with a window pane. six months of physical and mental therapy helped to repair the many levels of damage, but could not remove the scar from my arm nor the memories it invoked.

she stayed with me throughout it all. i thought that was stupid yet endearing. soon it would be her turn to change the course of our lives once again.