part four                            ...or go to the beginning....

on state highway 165 from henley to blanco, there is a tremendous hill over which the road crests and you can see west into texas for a hundred miles. at sunset, it is one of the most breath-taking views in the state. the beautiful thing about it is that you have no idea it's there until it suddenly appears.the road gently curves its way up into the hills for several miles. then, at the top of a small rise driving west-bound, the bottom drops out and the road disappears into a completely different landscape.

it was on this road, one may evening on the way back from san antonio, that i asked her to marry me. it seemed feeble at the time. i had no ring and she had many things she wished to accomplish before she settled into a marriage. i guess i knew she wasn't ready, but she said 'yes' and we watched the sun set over west texas, holding each other's embrace until it had completely disappeared.

we had pushed "the date" back several times, hoping for a decrease in stress and obligations, thinking that all would be right after she graduated.

we fought and cut through each other with sharp tongues. we made up and made love. she would run when she became overwhelmed. i didn't understand and would take up chase. one night, she had me pull over and then jumped out of the car and began running through an unfamiliar neighborhood. she had ways of scaring me like that. i would catch up to her and talk to her. sometimes it only took a soothing voice and a moment of reason to bring her out of a hysteria. sometimes it took time.

i don't remember the argument that night my life changed forever. we had both been drinking and i had to climb in through a window to get into the house. she knew the worst things to say to me. she knew my emotional weaknesses and the way to bring my self-esteem crumbling into a pile beneath me. in a moment of worthlessness and terror, i committed an act that i can never erase from memory and, until now, have only revealed to my closest friends.