part seven                            ... or go to the beginning....


i spent the next 60 hours in the deepest pit of emotional hell that i have ever imagined. my brain would not turn off the picture of her being fucked by this guy in our bed. i didn't sleep or eat for three days. the first day, i vomited the contents of my stomach. the next day, i dry-heaved. my eyes had swollen shut from tears and i began hitting myself so that something other than my heart would be in pain. i had gone completely nuts.

the doctors tried out different combinations and doses of various amphetamines, but the side-effects always outweighed the benefits. i ate about once every two or three days and slept an average of two hours each night. i lost over 25 pounds in three weeks. i drank like a fish.

with time, and medication, i began to think clearly again. i began to resent her for all she had done to me and i began to see how much i had fooled myself into believing it was o.k.

around the start of the new year, she called crying. she wanted me back. she had made "the biggest mistake of (her) life." i refused to let myself fall in love with her again, to let her open up my insides and rip them from my soul. i agreed to spend time, to try and build a friendship. we watched a movie.

we kissed. we fooled around. i found myself thinking about getting revenge. i could make her think that i needed her and then shit on her like she had done to me. instead i told her, when she took off her shirt, that if we had sex, i would only be doing it for physical satisfaction and not because i felt anything for her. i told her it was best if she left.

she spent a lot of time on my couch, crying. asking if there was any hope. it was a carbon copy of my life six months prior. i felt sorry for her. i wanted to help, but it tore me up to think of what had happened and how it could all easily happen again. i stopped returning her calls. eventually, i got rid of my phone line and soon after i moved. she would send me an email once and a while. i never replied.

then, last february, after i had been laid off, ended another relationship, and moved into a new house, i gave rachel a call.