that first kiss,

the one that you hope will happen but are afraid you won't know how to do it; as if you could forget how to kiss. it's the floodgate behind which everything waits to burst forth. as my desire to touch her lips pushed against all restraints of timidity and uncertainty within me, i stared into her eyes. we had been talking for nearly four hours and i held her hands in my lap watching the tears flow freely past her mouth.

he was controlling, jealous, and manipulative. the engagement had come as an appeasement, a way to keep him from leaving. now she felt trapped by it. the decision to move, to come to texas, was influenced by her need for distance. things had been uneasy for a while and she needed to see what it would be like away from him.

she had come to a realization. she wasn't happy with "them." she had to let him know that it was over.

perhaps i took advantage of the situation, but i truly felt empathy for her. i did not want to see her hurting so. i loved her smile and wanted to bring it back to her face. i wiped my hand across the roundness of her cheek, collecting the salty torrents of sorrow and bringing a slight upturn to the corner of her mouth. pulling the wet strands of hair away from her face with my pinky, i cupped my palm over her ear and held her there, staring through her swollen eyelids.

i felt that tension in my stomach. that desire pushed harder against the walls of self-restraint, but i refused to breach her trust in a moment of weakness. we sat there facing each other indian-style for ten minutes or more not saying a word. i smiled that half smile of empathy and caring with my head cocked slightly to one side. she shed a few more tears and blew her nose a couple of times. i held her hands in my lap.

she leaned forward as if for a hug and my arms went out in response. tilting her head perpendicular to mine, she kissed me. slowly. our lips barely even moving. just the touch of skin on skin and the taste of salt landing on my tongue. i felt paralyzed all the way through. she brought her lips together and softly pulled away. my blood began to flow again and i wrapped my open arms around her and squeezed as tight as i thought i could without crushing her. we collapsed sideways onto the stretched out futon and the flood of passion and emotion finally surged.