o.k., yeah. so i've got this new toy....

if you're the type that likes to watch (i know you are you freak!), then watch all you want (freak!)

...as long as i'm there and it's on.

i need to start playing music for people again. i really miss being in front of a crowd. my current desire is to start a new sound based in acoustic pop (with which i am quite familiar) and traditional texas swing.

so what i need to find is a good upright bass player, a fiddle player, and a nice girl with great pipes.

i get a rush out of performing on stage. i like having the blaring hot par64 cans shining in my eyes so that i am forced to squint to see the people in the crowd. as the sweat begins to form on my face, the nervousness is gone and the vocal chords loosen. energy that normally stays trapped inside is released and my muscles contract and release and i am as close to dancing as i can ever be.

soon... i just need some spark to get it going.

i apologize to anyone that has tried to contact me through aim. i had a little option turned on that blocked you. damn technology. i'm learning though....

please contact me again if you tried and could not get through.... ChimChim2k1

i'd like to think that i have something wonderful to put in here. to keep you interested.

truth is... i had a very cheese sandwich weekend. i worked all day saturday and then celebrated the beginning of the final week of billy's unmarried life. there was some male bonding that occurred saturday evening. i spent a lot of time talking to you and you and appreciate all the support you're giving me.

i think i've settled on a new roommie and we should be settling into a new abode by the beginning of march. note to self: turn in 30 days notice on the storage building

there was trivial philosophy to be had at times, but overall, not much thinking was really done. sunday the laundry was done. all except for the one shirt that i managed to forget about in my trunk. shall i wash it alone?

another ad has been completed and will be at your local bar by thursday night. you can see this weeks design (which isn't much different from next weeks iteration) on page 80, if you're so inclined.

the wedding of the year is saturday, can't wait to see you guys there. drive safe.... no flats.

see?? total cheese sandwich.

i don't want to forget that i dreamt about you last night
we were in austin and were about to meet for the first time. i had talked to you for months, but had never heard your voice. i was standing in the hallway with friends when i noticed you walking up to me. first the people disappeared, then the left wall, and finally the right. i gave a sheepish "hello," trying to smile past the nervous feeling of finally seeing you in front of me. you smiled, grabbed either side of my face, and kissed me, your warm lips forcing mine apart.

your embrace overpowered me, making my legs want to collapse beneath me. i held on tight to you and felt finally complete.
it was damn good to meet you.

waking inches from you, your warm breath on my lips, i struggle through heavy eyelids and closed pupils to make out your form. the streetlamp outside creating the contrast needed to view you in your most beautiful state. it only takes a moment for the dilation to reveal the details i seek. you sleep on, unaware of my gaze. your chest expands and contracts with a steady rhythm. my eyes trace the contour of your earlobe against the white cotton and follow your jaw to your pursed lips. i fight the urge to touch your cheek, to run my fingers across your chin, around your neck and up to that soft, pale skin behind your ear. i concentrate on the fine hairs between your brow and follow the strong line above your closed eye to your temple, tense with concentration on an imaginary task.

my focus changes to the slow slope of your shoulder, the thin strap of your night shirt interrupting its graceful line. light is bruised behind the rise of your collarbone, flexed across your body, and hints at the soft curves of your breasts, heaving with each breath. your waist falls behind your arm and returns to your hip. the line follows your leg until it disappears beneath the thin sheet that allows a modicum of modesty in the radiating heat of july. i am entranced by the beauty of your silhouette in the pale, synthetic light. i am amazed that you are here, inches away, sleeping in full trust that i will be there when you wake. i cannot bear to close my eyes.

i run my hand across your face and reach to kiss your cheek.

there's so much great content out there. what are you doing here?

gram used to take my brother and i for trips in her car. it was a large four door with bad springs. i don't remember what kind of car, maybe my father does. she would put me in the back seat of the large blue land yacht and drive down centreville road. we didn't call it centreville road, however, we called it "weeee!"

in my five year old mind, it felt like we were going a hundred miles an hour. it was a straight shot. halfway between the two highways was a small rise in the road. we would wait for it; large glaring smiles peeking over the front seats, eyes trained on the pavement, waiting to inhale.

"weeee!" she would yell as we crested the bump. "weeee!" we would yell. it felt like flying.

she came to live with us for many years. she would wake up at 4:30 in the morning and go to bed at 8:00. she spent her time knitting or crocheting, i could never remember the difference. or she would sit at her sewing machine for hours. when "jams" were all the rage, she made me a pair that didn't fit too well.

she would look at you and crinkle her face to where her eyes would scrunch into her nose and her lips would pucker into this wonderful smirky smile. she liked to pinch me.

gram went home a few years ago. she nearly finished her book before leaving; the one about the angels. she didn't make it to 100, but she got really close.

amongst the envelopes of negatives and prints in the package i opened two nights ago, there were three pictures of gram, taken only a couple of months before she left. the one of me, rachel and gram sat on top in the first envelope i opened. i looked at her smiling back at me and felt this rush as gravity lost it's grip for one second and i thought, "weeee!"

so... what do you think was in the package?

"most people your age are married and own a house."

--my insurance agent explaining why my new car insurance is going to be so much more expensive than the average for my age.

thanks... i needed to be reminded of that fact.

seems to be a common theme today, but if anyone wants to do the same thing that i'm doing, i.e. audio support technician, we are hiring one more person in our department. email me your information if you are interested.

i know... i know... there's a first for everything.

quote of the day: number one

"you don't have to be a genius to be a vascular neural surgeon."
   -- dr. dion graybeal, neurosurgeon

just let me know when you're done, o.k.?

a popular thought.

part nine                            ... or go to the beginning....

two weeks ago, my phone rang while purchasing film and marshmallows at the grocery store for josh's new year's party. the caller i.d. showed UN KNOWN. when i answered, there was static reception and no audible voice on the other end. i cursed sprint and their "free and clear" bullshit service and walked to my car. the phone rang again as i backed from my space. UN KNOWN. it was two hours until 2002.

her: "hi"

me: "hello?"

--long pause--

her: "this is rachel"

me: "hi"

her: "i just wanted to wish you a happy new year"

me: "ok"

--long pause--

her: "i want you to know that i broke up with that guy. it was such a bad situation and i'm so glad to be out of it now."

--long pause--

her: "ok, well, i hope you have a good new year and i hope this next year is really good to you"

me: "thanks, you too"

her: "bye"

me: "bye"




the end




epilogue: as i sat down to write my discontent with receiving a call from my ex-fiancee, i began to realize that an explanation was needed as to why it was such a big deal to me. i decided that i should write a little history, so you, the reader, could understand the feeling of my stomach in my throat and the irresistable urge to hang up immediately.

when i started writing, i realized that there was much to the story that i wanted to say and it would not end up being a brief one-post achievement. then i began to feel a cathartic purpose to the writing. to get these things off my chest, once and for all.

once i finally got back to today's post, the real reason i started this whole story, i started crying. as i am crying right now.

i have so much bitterness and hatred for rachel that i snubbed her. i snubbed her on a night full of joy and togetherness. i snubbed her on what may have been the loneliest night of the year.


had i not moved to dallas to marry rachel, i wouldn't have met any of you. my life is better now than it has ever been, all because i went through the worst experience of my life.

thank you for reading. this has been a great experience for me and a lot of fun. --mark

post script: i received a package from rachel in the mail this week. i haven't opened it yet....

part eight                            ... or go to the beginning....

i don't know what his name was, but he wasn't happy to have an "other guy" calling rachel. he basically hung up on me when i told him my name. he obviously knew who i was.

i found her pager number in an old email she had sent me. one that somehow escaped the delete button. she called me back and told me that he was the extremely jealous type and he saw me as a real threat. he didn't work, didn't pay bills, and lived off her stipend.

in the next couple of weeks, he became belligerent. she called crying, asking for help. he was abusive, she said. she wanted out of the relationship, but she was afraid that he would do something if she said anything. in fact, he threatened her not to break up with him. i agreed to have two of my bulkiest friends go to the apartment with me and peacefully (hopefully) remove him from the apartment.

i told her to call me as soon as she got home and andy, james, and i would come over. i wasn't sure what i was going to do or say, but i was terrified that someone could potentially hurt her. i waited by the phone for two days.

a week later, i called her to find out what happened. "oh, i was just overreacting and hysterical. you know how i get. he's not really a bad guy, we had just been arguing and i was upset. i'm sorry for worrying y...shit, he's coming out here." (click)

i wrote her a letter asking her to not contact me again. i explained the pain that i had been through getting over her once. i explained my having the best mental health i had experienced in years. i explained her ability to tear that stability down without even trying. i told her goodbye.

she called the ranch last summer, the weekend that i was visiting my parents. i have no clue how she knew i would be there. i refused to take the call, having my mom tell her i was out working with dad. my mom told me that she was crying and i should probably call her back. i refused to.

she called again, half an hour later, and my mother insisted i sit down and talk to her. i let her say what she needed to and responded with, "i don't want you to call me anymore. i don't want to talk to you. everytime i try to be your friend or lover, i get hurt. i don't deserve that. please leave me alone."

a brief note thanking me for taking the time to talk to her that day followed a week later. then she was gone.

part seven                            ... or go to the beginning....


i spent the next 60 hours in the deepest pit of emotional hell that i have ever imagined. my brain would not turn off the picture of her being fucked by this guy in our bed. i didn't sleep or eat for three days. the first day, i vomited the contents of my stomach. the next day, i dry-heaved. my eyes had swollen shut from tears and i began hitting myself so that something other than my heart would be in pain. i had gone completely nuts.

the doctors tried out different combinations and doses of various amphetamines, but the side-effects always outweighed the benefits. i ate about once every two or three days and slept an average of two hours each night. i lost over 25 pounds in three weeks. i drank like a fish.

with time, and medication, i began to think clearly again. i began to resent her for all she had done to me and i began to see how much i had fooled myself into believing it was o.k.

around the start of the new year, she called crying. she wanted me back. she had made "the biggest mistake of (her) life." i refused to let myself fall in love with her again, to let her open up my insides and rip them from my soul. i agreed to spend time, to try and build a friendship. we watched a movie.

we kissed. we fooled around. i found myself thinking about getting revenge. i could make her think that i needed her and then shit on her like she had done to me. instead i told her, when she took off her shirt, that if we had sex, i would only be doing it for physical satisfaction and not because i felt anything for her. i told her it was best if she left.

she spent a lot of time on my couch, crying. asking if there was any hope. it was a carbon copy of my life six months prior. i felt sorry for her. i wanted to help, but it tore me up to think of what had happened and how it could all easily happen again. i stopped returning her calls. eventually, i got rid of my phone line and soon after i moved. she would send me an email once and a while. i never replied.

then, last february, after i had been laid off, ended another relationship, and moved into a new house, i gave rachel a call.

part six                            ... or go to the beginning....

we visited schools in chicago, dallas, berkeley, and somewhere in iowa. she took other trips without me, to new york, florida. more often than not, the same people would show up at each location for the interviews. we discussed the choices. her choices of a new place to live and go to school, my choices as to whether or not i would be there with her. it meant giving up my home, my job, and my friends. it would only be two years, i decided, and i wanted to be with her. we knew dallas was our first choice. in the end it would depend on the offers.

had it been anywhere other than dallas, i don't believe i would have gone with her. at least not for the first year or so. but we got the letter from u.t.sw saying that she had been accepted to the physician's assistant program for the incoming class of 1999. she would leave in may to start her classes, i planned to follow within the month. the job search was difficult. i would schedule several interviews at a time and make trips back and forth from austin.

nearly two months had passed when i landed a job at a print shop in carrollton.

as soon as i had moved in, our relationship began to atrophy at a rapid pace. we found time to do things together that we enjoyed, but i wanted more of her time than she was willing to give. the arguing returned, becoming more heated and long lasting. the sex nearly disappeared. i found myself not wanting to go home. i would put myself into a bad mood while driving across town, just knowing that she would be pissed off about something when i got there. there were times that i would spot her car in the parking lot and continue driving, hoping that by the time i returned, she would be gone.

by mid september, i had given back the engagement ring she gave me and was sleeping on paul's round couch while he was away on business. i spent most of my time outside of work curled up on that couch, crying. liz and paul would try to console me. i had only been in dallas two months and i was miserable. i hated my job. i contemplated moving back to austin, but i saw it as admitting failure somehow. i wanted to show myself that i could face change and grow as a person. what i really wanted was for rachel to take me back and i didn't want to leave dallas until i was certain that wasn't going to happen.

i imagine she had met him while i was still living in austin. i don't when they started sleeping together, but i know that they had sex a couple of nights after i first moved out of the apartment. i had run into maureen, our roommate, and she had told me about him. she was upset that rachel had let some strange guy have a key to the apartment. my god... "the other guy."

part five                            ...or go to the beginning....

the thin steel edge moved faster and cleaner than i ever imagined it would. it took no effort, no pressure. it was if i had moved a feather across my arm and the softness had unzipped a gash nearly an inch wide and two inches long. i looked as the blood began to pool inside the opening and quickly make it's way around my arm and onto the carpet below.

what have i done? it's not worth this.

she moved quickly. grabbing a nearby shirt and wrapping it around my wrist. we were both suddenly as sober as we had ever been. within seconds she was talking to the dispatcher. my eyes welled up with tears of shame. i didn't want to die, but neither did i want to face another day knowing i had done what i did. i was afraid. moments earlier i didn't want to see her face ever again. now... i was terrified to have her leave my side.

i watched out of the side of the ambulance, the red and blue lights casting blurs of reflection from the passing trees, hoping that she really was right behind us. i had a delirious conversation with the m.t. about stupidity and desparation. somehow, reason seemed my strongest suit at this point.

a cleaned wound revealed muscle and tendons. cross sections of vascular systems from illustrations in the anatomy coloring book. skin is stretched tight over muscle and pulls back like a rubberband when severed. i don't know if it's fair to say that it makes things look worse than they are. things were pretty bad as they stood. later i would be informed that i came 3mm from never playing my guitar again.

that didn't compare with the feeling of loss that i nearly cost my friends and family that night. the shame overwhelmed me. i lied to friends and co-workers about my accident with a window pane. six months of physical and mental therapy helped to repair the many levels of damage, but could not remove the scar from my arm nor the memories it invoked.

she stayed with me throughout it all. i thought that was stupid yet endearing. soon it would be her turn to change the course of our lives once again.

B4 d+ t k++ s u f i+ o++ x+ e+ l- c-

just in case you were wondering....

part four                            ...or go to the beginning....

on state highway 165 from henley to blanco, there is a tremendous hill over which the road crests and you can see west into texas for a hundred miles. at sunset, it is one of the most breath-taking views in the state. the beautiful thing about it is that you have no idea it's there until it suddenly appears.the road gently curves its way up into the hills for several miles. then, at the top of a small rise driving west-bound, the bottom drops out and the road disappears into a completely different landscape.

it was on this road, one may evening on the way back from san antonio, that i asked her to marry me. it seemed feeble at the time. i had no ring and she had many things she wished to accomplish before she settled into a marriage. i guess i knew she wasn't ready, but she said 'yes' and we watched the sun set over west texas, holding each other's embrace until it had completely disappeared.

we had pushed "the date" back several times, hoping for a decrease in stress and obligations, thinking that all would be right after she graduated.

we fought and cut through each other with sharp tongues. we made up and made love. she would run when she became overwhelmed. i didn't understand and would take up chase. one night, she had me pull over and then jumped out of the car and began running through an unfamiliar neighborhood. she had ways of scaring me like that. i would catch up to her and talk to her. sometimes it only took a soothing voice and a moment of reason to bring her out of a hysteria. sometimes it took time.

i don't remember the argument that night my life changed forever. we had both been drinking and i had to climb in through a window to get into the house. she knew the worst things to say to me. she knew my emotional weaknesses and the way to bring my self-esteem crumbling into a pile beneath me. in a moment of worthlessness and terror, i committed an act that i can never erase from memory and, until now, have only revealed to my closest friends.

brief intermission

my corpse has been published. w00t!

part three                            ...or go to the beginning....

once things had been returned to the way they were before that winter, i moved into her house in north austin. it meant subletting my apartment out to a co-worker, but it also meant cheaper rent and sleeping in a bed with someone every night.

i would take her to work whenever i could. some nights, it was to the bar. she would ask me to stay, and occasionally i would. i had started to drink again and since they were free, i wasn't turning them away. sometimes we would end up having too much fun together at the bar.

other times i would take her to the hospital for her second job. usually i would drop her off 10 in the evening and be back to pick her up at 6 in the morning. i honestly loved doing it.

we had a favorite hang-out down the street from the piano bar that we would go to before her shifts and play trivia. we were there two or three nights a week. sudden impulses and urges sometimes lead to stares and smiles as we emerged together from the bathroom upstairs.

my boss didn't like me changing my hair color to red and used it as a basis for termination citing unprofessional behavior. she carried me financially for more than three months while i changed careers and decided on using my creativity to make money. money can be a strain on any relationship. i wish it weren't so, but i felt inferior because of my dependency and i think she kept tally of what was given and what was received. in one way or another, this would remain an issue in our relationship from that point forward.

part two                            ...or go to the beginning....

we had coffee that first night at kerbey and talked for nearly four hours, until the sun's rays had come sweeping back around to begin another day.

she slept through our second date. i sat at cactus cafe and waited, finally deciding that she had flaked on me, or just forgot; like a glass of water. i was very angry. her roommate told me that she was sleeping, but i really didn't believe her. i still didn't know about the second job and school. she called later that evening and explained it all to me.

she asked me if i knew anything about installing fences and invited me to come to her house the next day and dig some post holes. of course, this really sounded like fun so i agreed and went the next morning in spite of the rain. it was this day that i learned of her boyfriend, mike, that lived with her. no. actually he was her fiancee. his job kept him overseas about 10 months out of the year. their engagement had been postponed and she said things weren't going too well with them. i should have curbed all interest right then. i tried. honestly. i tried.

the first night we made love was the most passionate experience i think either of us had to that point in our lives. it was simply too much to back away from. lying in her arms that night, i knew i had a serious problem. i was the other guy.

the moment you are the other guy with a woman, you will forever wonder if and when the next "other guy" is going to show up. it plays with your mind. this began to trouble me immediately. i refused to be the ultimate undoing of any relationship. so a month later, i decided to give her my best rendition of the friendship speech.

to say it didn't go over well... well, you know. moments before picking her up that evening and delivering my schpiel, she had finally dropped the axe on the live-in. he knew about the wonderful all-night talks. he knew about the wonderful all-night other stuff too. i was no longer the "other guy."but since she waited to tell me about this until i had spoken my peace, i was not even "the guy." we didn't have dinner that night. we got to the restaurant and turned around to go straight back home.

we didn't talk for nearly three weeks. but a phone call in the middle of the night one january morning changed things forever. her world had been turned completely upside down and i was the only one that could possibly be expected to be there for her. so i went to her side and fell madly in love.

part one
michael, my roommate at the time, had convinced me to go out with him and his boyfriend. i knew michael from work, where i sold software and he counted beans. he was a very sweet and caring person and never made me feel uncomfortable, so his offer of his extra room was a great way for me to recover from the heartache when she moved back to canada. i was in it bad. it had all happened so quickly and it seemed to take forever to get over. i didn't want to go out and meet people. i wanted to stay in that room and figure out how to change it all back.

actually, it took several tries for michael to get me to go out with them. partially because the thought of a piano bar made me nauseous, partially because i was afraid it was a gay piano bar. but the third time they asked, i went reluctantly.

i wasn't drinking anything at the time. it seemed too easy to drown sorrows with the alcohol and forget my problems. i didn't want to forget my problems. i'm not sure why, now, but i felt the need to remain miserable.

so i'd order water, while the table around me drank and sang along with annoying 70's and 80's songs. occasionally, i'd find myself chiming in to some creedence or something else. but i refused to sing don mclean.

i went back the next week because of her. they buzzed around with their cocktail trays in the air and their t-shirts tied into little knots in the middle of their backs. she knew michael as a regular. so he had made sure that she waited on us. i had to ask for my water four times before she remembered to bring it to me. for the first month that i knew her, i swore that she had short term memory loss. later i would learn that she was working two jobs and going to school full time, and getting someone a glass of water was not something she cached high in her to-do list. i tipped her well that first night for the two glasses that she eventually brought to the table. and i went back the next week for more water and songs i couldn't stand hearing one more time.

by the third visit, the water came more frequently, i sang more of the songs, and i found myself having a good time.

"you have the most amazing back."

i couldn't believe i had said it. what an absolutely idiotic thi....

"that's the most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me. thank you!"

she was standing there, smiling at me. her frenzied life had come to a halt. crocodile rock banged on in the background and people swayed behind us on the bleachers, their drinks held high.

"i'm rachel."

"i'm mark.

listen... if i were to ask you out, would you say yes?"

happy birthday, dave!!!

the news that shapes your world

so, alison has put up a very beautiful redesign which i absolutely love. mostly because there is a big-ass picture of her right on top. i also like that it is neither bluish, nor orange.

billy took the opportunity of switching providers to port his site over to movable type. it's looking slick although he still is working out the kinks.

if that weren't enough, tony has finally created a blog. i haven't read it yet, because i am taking the time to inform you about it first.

so, rock on alison, billy, and tony! show the taliban that they can't stop the redesigns!

jetta julietta. you can call her julie, juliet, or jules.

thanks elise for the suggestion! she has been christened with a white apple and an orange "b" courtesy of jessica.

murphy, chimchim, and old five fingers

photo by suzy

thank god!